Imagine a lush prehistoric forest. Your hunting group has been tracking a mega-Elk all day to no avail. Your stone-tipped spears, cumbersome at the best of times, have proven ineffective against the swift foe. You take a moment of respite by a cool stream, proto-human lungs gasping from the day’s exertion. Winter is around the corner and you desperately need to bring back sustenance for the tribe. What will you do?

There! Off in the distance! A salami tree. Nature’s perfect food. You smile.  You can pick all that you need to carry back to the camp and there’s no need to even kill them. Or…is there?

This week we watched a video that dares to answer that question.

John Hurst hosts and does a Yoda impression. Aaron Littleton co-hosts and makes it rain.

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Misato Katsuragi whirls to face Gendo Ikari. “Sir, the angel is approaching Tokyo 3! Should we deploy the Evas?”

Even the harsh lighting of the computer screens seems oppressed by the silent darkness. After a long moment, a soft mushing sound can be heard from the Commander’s chair.

“Sir…are you eating vienna sausages?”

Gendo’s eyes are red. “Indeed,” he mumbles through another mouthful.

This week we watched a man named Reed eat some vienna sausages. OK.

Aaron Littleton hosts and finishes the can. John Hurst co-hosts and takes it to Terminal Dogma.

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Hey there! This week, due to everything shifting the wrong way, we were unable to record a normal episode! But we have technology in our pockets and a boring road ahead of us, so we recorded THIS for you instead! Come order a large imported catfish meal and enjoy!

Neither Aaron and John are the host this week. Your host is the UNCARING, OPEN ROAD. HUG ITS ASPHALT EMBRACE.

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Mark Zuckerberg swivels in his chair to face the picture window behind him. So close that he can hear the deep bass thumping, a Captain Jack concert has been hastily assembled. He can see the stage even from here. “Too close,” he whispers to himself. “Far, far too close. I’m slipping.” Idly, his hand brushes against a framed photo, worn with age. The captain smiles at him from the past, a knowing grin. Power is in his every tooth. Crewman Zuckerberg shudders.

This week we watched Captain Jack performing…Captain Jack. Live. Somewhere. For someone. A great mystery.

John Hurst hosts and spins the big wheel. Aaron Littleton co-hosts and patrols the moat.

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Deep under the Pentagon, there is a door. An armed guard stands at this door, ever watchful. Should you present the proper credentials, you will be allowed beyond. Inside is a brightly lit and sterile elevator. Should you take that elevator down as  far as it goes you may find yourself in a large, open space underground. To the naked eye, it may look like an indoor football field. But to the nation’s top military commanders, it looks like the training grounds for America’s elite freedom strike force. Enemies of America: Are you ready for some football?

This week we watched the weirdly long music video for Hank Williams Jr.’s “Are You Ready for Some Football” and we can confirm that we are not.

Aaron Littleton hosts and joins the tribe. John Hurst co-hosts and has a full name.

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Write to us at questions@videodeathloop.com!