The orchestra is tuning up. They’re ready. They watch the artist intently, waiting for the first stroke. A ellipses. A circle? A perfect circle? Not for this. We only need two half circles here. Maybe a C. Slightly off. Shaded with a sheen. Glorious. The Face on Mars looks on intently, but innocently. Will the robots finally be pleased with this masterwork? Never. But still the search for perfection must be continued. John Madden would want nothing less.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s not impressed with that diamond. John Hurst is your co-host and he’s transforming the art of wrestling.

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Get a bunch of mascots. Make them play the wrong sport for a while. Kill some time. Noone is missing anything. Get your beer. Catch up with an old friend at the game. Pour that extra nacho cheese on. Look, that mascot fell down. Isn’t that silly? Okay, it’s only a little silly. They’re trying out there, alright? They’re trying to best. It’s hard to do layups in a mascot outfit. Unless you’re cheating like the damn Mudcat mascot is. There’s ten more minutes of this. Your beer is getting warm. The cheese sauce is getting cold. Suddenly this became a whole lot realer. Fly! Fly like the majestic eaglefish! FLY.

John Hurst is your host and he’s listening eagerly to the 5th Place State Peanut Council. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he’s not sure how buoyant an eagle really is.

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The Weekly World News! It was the most interesting thing on the checkout counter for the brief time you’re up there! You eyes would briefly look at that instead of the deal on Buy 2, Get 1 Snickers and you would learn a thing or two about absolutely nothing. Then the cashier would get your attention and you would forget all about it. Or so you thought. You’d go home and see a commercial for the thing that is literally in every grocery store in America. You realized you forgot your copy. The nothings you learn come back. Bigfoot won a sixth super bowl and met a Met. It won’t escape your brain. You can’t go to sleep at night. Bat Boy may be watching. Bat Boy *is* watching. You’ll find that out next issue!

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s ready to make the t-shirt grift of a lifetime. John Hurst is YOUR co-host and he has some pleasant affirming sounds for you.

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How much money would it take to win one thousand dollars from a 1-900 number? How much of your friends money? Can they rap? Can you rap? Doesn’t matter. Bad rap or no, you still have money to give! Or your parents money! Money that you could use to buy Land or Time and your parents could use to by the Wheel Before Time. Wait, no, I mixed them up again. NO. NO NO NO NO–

John Hurst is your host this week and he goes three minutes in before making a Land Before Time reference. Aaron Littleton is your co-host and he picks the correct Land Before Time sequel to mock.

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What would you do if you’ve been Gadgeted? Would you change the world? Would you fly across the sky, free like an eagle? Would you fix the worlds problems with a random assortment of tools? Or would you sink into a level of debauchery that no person on this planet has seen before, horrifying even the evil Dr. Claw (Who has a face for some reason here)? Let’s hope we never need to find out.

Aaron Littleton is your host this week and he’s on point with president’s and around when they were! John Hurst is your co-host and he’s trying to do a kick flip somewhere in D.C at least.

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